Really Awful Movies

Sword and sandal epics like Deathstalker had a very brief heyday, a bit like post-apocalyptic films.

And the similarities don’t end there.

Both genres came and went around roughly the same time; both at times look like they raided one another’s wardrobe/costume departments, favoring leather jerkins, wrist bands, fur, gladiatorial gear; both were frequently lensed in Italy; both feature single IPs that spurred a cottage industry of copycats (Conan the Barbarian and Mad Max) and both favored spare desert scene settings, with some exceptions; and both were fairly cheap to make and churn out.

While post-apocalyptic films concern themselves with how to reconstitute society in the absence of institutions and where to find sources of drinking water, the sword and sandal epics were often pure Joseph Campbell hero’s journey derivatives.

Here, the reluctant hero is the eponymous and muscled Deathstalker, who casually calls fools and heroes alike, “sheep.” This is before becoming conscripted to find the kidnapped daughter of a king and finding himself in a fight-to-the-death tournament a la Bloodsport (or more accurately, because of the scenery, Gymkata).

Deathstalker hangs out, beds women, consults with witches, rides around on horseback, saves damsels in distress – all the good stuff.

En route to the tournament, he meets up with Kaira (played by Wall of Sound Phil Spector victim Lana Clarkson), a swords-woman in her own right who fancies her chances at emerging victorious in the tourney.

The event is hosted and orchestrated by an evil sorcerer-kidnapper, Munkar, who’s also immortal, wears plush robes, has an extensive harem, and has a human finger-eating monster-pet throne-side. Yes, you read that right.

Munkar, the host with the most, accommodates the combatants in his sprawling castle, a setting which is full on bacchanalia and bar fighting.

Deathstalker is fun and genre heads will appreciate seeing a whole lot of Barbi Benton , much like they did in Hospital Massacre.

Deathstalker is all kinds of weird, with out-of-place attempted comedy. And it’s the first in a tetralogy. And for whatever reason, a fifth installment – and reboot – is in the works according to the latest reports.

*** (out of 5)

For more, listen to the Really Awful Movies podcast Deathstalker episode.

Terror in the tunnels has been the subject of many a horror movie, think Bradley Cooper navigating turnstiles in The Midnight Meat Train or Frank Zito on the prowl in Maniac, one of the best horror movies of the 80s.

While those efforts explored the empty creepiness of solo late night train travel, action thriller The Taking of Pelham One Two Three navigates the tensions in an already tense environment of the everyday New York City subway commute.

A 70s film through and through – in which the Big Apple looks decidedly bruised – this Joseph Sargent-directed thriller gives some of the grime and grunge you get from Death Wish, Taxi Driver, and The French Connection.

A delegation from The Tokyo Metropolitan Bureau of Transportation is in town for a tour to learn a thing or two from their MTA counterparts (and they certainly have in real-life: the Tokyo subway system is now superior to New York’s by every available metric, ridership, cleanliness, profitability, timeliness).

Walter Matthau as Lt Garber is giving them a tour, and he and his staff are condescending to the visitors – until the MTA team has to turn its attention to more pressing matters than to pressing palms: a train is not moving in one of the tunnels.

Turns out a group of hijackers led by the incomparable Robert Shaw (Jaws star), has commandeered a Bronx train (Pelham Bay, hence the film’s title) at 59th Street Station and is threatening to kill commuters if their demands aren’t met.

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three gives us colour coded character naming conventions, Mr. Blue, Mr. Green, etc. – which Quentin Tarantino paid homage to or ripped off, depending on your perspective, in Reservoir Dogs.

And it’s a colourful film metaphorically too in the form of cracking dialogue:

Mr. Blue: Be quiet! Now be quiet! Nothing will happen as long as you obey my orders.
Pimp: Shit, man that’s what they said in Vietnam, and I still got my ass shot full of lead.

This is a film that gives us on-point tough-talking – and acting – New Yorkers, and an unrelenting pace.

***3/4 (out of 5)

Check out the Really Awful Movies Podcast discussion of Pelham here.